When Does it Make Sense to Make A Large Family Larger?
Adventures in Fostercare

Shoe, Contributing Editor

I wrote this because I think families that are big have a lot to offer each other and also to offer to foster children; either way it's a good thing. I feel children from a big family are better in the corporate world because they have lived with different types of personalities and know how to manipulate like the best and when to know a person is for real. The foster kids learned about companionship, morals, and it has been rewarding to our biological kids growing up, my kids learned about diversity and they have the best peer coping skills in their class. Foster parenting also helps pay the bills, and it helps a poor kid out that really needs a family, and it is really rewarding to everyone. This is a true story. John was the beginning of our large family from then on we haven't had a smaller family since he came to us in foster care.

Before we had children we looked into doing foster care, at the time when we were newly married I volunteered a lot for coaching and stuff like that, one day we had a volunteer outing to the children's home for Christmas. This was a shelter for children with many emotional needs. I became a regular and learned about different ways to change behavior, charts, contracts with the child, prizes, what ever. Anyway, to make a long story short, these kids came from county foster homes because they were too hard to handle, so we think. My husband and I decided we would check in to it. We called the county social worker and found there was a HUGE need for foster homes and if we went through a class everything could be checked out. The pay was pretty good too. There was a curve for payment dependant on the child's needs, from $15 a day. But you also get D.O.C. that's the variable part. It is Difficulty Of Care, D.O.C. get it? The easier kids got and extra $5 to $10 and the harder ones up to $50. Plus that's $20 to $65 a day..... for a month it's $600 to $1950.... a month!! We got our license and wanted to try it out. We started with respite for 1 child in our apartment, we didn't have a second bedroom but they said respite was in big demand too and that until we moved up to a bigger roomed apartment or a home we could respite which is like Friday night to Sunday night taking care of a child and they could sleep on the couch. Respite goes for $30 a night minimum or the rate of the higher DOC amount. We went for it. We wanted to volunteer our home or try to.
Our first kid was a 13-year-old girl who needed a break from her home. She was going to end up in foster care if her folks didn't get a break. It worked out, we had her come for 2-3 weekends a month, it gave us $120-$180 extra a month. We decided instead of moving up to a two bedroom apartment, to just save for a house. Within a year we had our down payment. We got a call for another Respite at $50 a night. And two months later for a kid who had seizures, we thought that was OK. She came on the off weekend and it turned out that these two girls knew each other in school. We OK'd the social worker on respiting them the same weekend and thought it would be a good peer situation. We got a licensed waiver to Respite the two together for $320 to $480 a month. We usually had 3 weekends a month with them and now one year later we had over $6,000 for a down payment. We decided to build a two-bedroom house with room for two more bedrooms in the lower level that we would finish off. We also qualified on our foster care money. The neat thing about foster care is YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY INCOME TAX ON YOUR INCOME it is already state tax money so the government can't tax a tax profited program. We didn't even get a W-2 that's usual for foster care they give you a tax-free check and no hassles.
*** It was great we had the girls on the weekend we took them with us shopping. We played SORRY at night and ate popcorn and pop in the evening, we even moved up to watching cool teen movies that were pretty good. Then we would rent a movie for $3.00 on Saturday night (their choice) and they even went to church with us, without much of a fuss. We worked out a lot of the issues they had and the girls became best friends! Unbelievable! And WE GOT PAID for this fun! We even liked the same music as the girls as my husband and I where 23 at the time. A year after we moved to our house Cheryl the one with seizures didn't need respite any more, We became pregnant with our first child. All this time I still worked my full time job in engineering that had good pay. It was nice that I learned how to parent teens before mine would be one.

Marie the first child we got, for respite, came more frequently. She was coming on Thursday nights now and would ride the bus to school on Monday and go to her home from there.
Three months after we delivered our first child, Marie attempted suicide. I had just picked her up from her mom's and thought she was acting funny. Her mom called and had found empty pill bottles in the garbage in the bathroom. I asked her about them and she wouldn't say so I called the hospital and told her we were going in for a check. She came along crying, but willingly. She was admitted to the hospital and they flushed her out, she had done it. We visited her once before she went to residential. Residential is a rotating staff place like a hospital. She was moved to the residential care facility where she would spend her next 3 years we found out. Sad but it happens. We finished our two rooms downstairs in our new house with her help and she was also the one who picked out our borders we put in the rooms. It was very different but at the same time the social worker said we did a great job because they thought this would have happened the first 3 months we respited her and in our hearts we knew this also.
***ANYWAYS... We got very busy with work and before we knew it we were pregnant with our second. And yes BED REST HIT!!! THIS IS WHERE THE MONEY PART AND OUR LIFE CHANGED FOR THE BEST, at least for now. A week after I started bed rest I called the social worker to let her know. This was a significant change in our life and we were supposed to call her. I hadn't talked to her for about a year although she called periodically with respites but we were pretty busy with the baby.
I told her I was home now on bed rest, which was difficult for the money part, and was doing unlicensed daycare for my neighbor who is also my best friend. On the gentle note, she asked if she could call if she had a FIT for a kid and I said sure, we'll, see about it. After one month of BED REST financially it was getting very rough, debt was piling up, yes we said many prayers... a raise for my husband, a far off relative to leave us lots of money, something.....
*******A PHONE CALL CAME it was the social worker that I talked to a week ago.... She had a little boy who just had to be moved today from another foster home who was having problems with the biological child in the family. They shared a room together and there was a fight between the two, a fistfight you know. The mom wanted him out. She asked if we would take him or at least listen to his profile... we listened... I told her I wasn't too interested.... She asked for "HOW ABOUT 2 DAYS" until I find him a home otherwise he has to go to a shelter. She added he was very good with babies, he used to care for his baby brother when his mom abandoned them both. He was 5, taking care of an 8 week old baby when they went into foster care! WOW! The foster home kept the baby who had major medical needs. I asked her how old he was, she said he's only 6, just turned 6 in fact. That huge profile for a six-year-old WOW! WOW! I didn't even ask her the pay. I said OK "TWO DAYS" because he's just a little babe himself. An hour later the little scrap arrived. He looked tense. He asked for his room and asked if I was going to kick him out too! I told him it's only temporary, I am on BED REST and if anything funny happens he will go back in that cop car to the shelter for good and this was his last stop. The kid had an attitude. He went to his room and cried for a half hour, really cried. I brought him in a Kleenex box and he said "GET OUT" I stayed away for an hour then. He was in the other home for 9 months with his baby brother until this. I went to change laundry and his door was open, I went in and couldn't find him. He goes "I AM IN THE CLOSET LADY", sarcastically and he was. I told him I thought he'd run. He cried, "They all say that when I hide, BUT I can't it's too cold out, and its dark soon and if I am caught I will go to shelter. Get a life, I am not nuts!" He's right it was about 20 below. You would be crazy if you ran away in that mess. My husband came home and the boy was nicer with my husband than me but maybe that's because my husband is over 6' tall! My husband agrees this kid has an EDGE toward us. KEEP READING IT GETS MORE POWERFUL, The next day the kids came for daycare and the two boys met briefly until the neighbor went on the bus to school. I WARNED the other boy about immediate shelter if he hit my neighbor kids or mine. He just looked at me blankly like I was crazy to even suggest he would. He played great with the 3-year-old neighbor girl and my 1-year-old girl. I was able to rest even easier, he was good with babies it was hard to believe this rough kid was so nice. When my neighbor boy came home in the afternoon I watched them closely, they bundled up and went sledding on our little hill. John our foster kid was showing Charlie our neighbor how to ski with a sled, dangerous but we all learned that way. They were still playing when Charlie's parents got home. They played after dinner outside too. My husband couldn't believe it wasn't so bad living with John, yet! At bedtime John pushed the buttons with me but not with my husband so he got to get him ready and it went pretty good, we heard some swearing though. Then he fell asleep.
The next day was exactly the same. The kid would swear at me sometimes but then I would withhold his snack. No snack then. He got MAD. I told him if he wanted to earn the snack back he could shovel the walkway to EARN it back. HE THOUGHT A WHILE...... and said "DO YOU PROMISE, poke a needle in your eye" the whole rhyme he said with some interesting street talk parts that were kinda scary..... I said of course... and I had to spit shake on it Yuck, you got to be kidding!!!, So I did. He shoveled the walk very neatly. WOW this isn't bad. I gave him a fruit roll up. At lunch he gave me grief about a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and swore, I sent him out to shovel half the driveway he put his stuff on and did it then ate his sandwich. WOW An hour later he swore, I told him no TV unless you shovel the rest of the driveway tomorrow you can watch TV again if you don't. He shoveled the driveway. It was all done and when my husband came home he wouldn't have to do it WOW. At snack time someone got the green fruit roll up the last one, he cried and swore BIG TIME, SENTENCES even and the little girl would not give up the green one. I NEEDED TO FIND A GREEN ONE NOW! I have no driveway left to shovel either!!! I thought fast OK John go shovel the neighbor's walkway and I'll give you a roll up. I got "NO I WANT A GREEN ONE I NEVER GET THE GREEN OF ANYTHING", the girl would not give up the green one and well that was her choice. I told him I could call my husband and have him pick up a new box of roll ups on his way home with a green one, BUT he would have to shovel the walkway before my husband got home. John thought a LONG time. John asked "how about I shovel the walkway NOW and I get a fruit roll up when I am done, THEN when he gets home, I also get the GREEEEEN one". NOWAY I said your not getting two roll up's for snack after swearing. I asked if you want the ONE right away OK but if you want a second one you will have to shovel 1/2 the neighbor's driveway so he can park his car AFTER you shovel the neighbors walkway FIRST. IT WAS A DEAL again we had to do the SPIT SHAKE and the promise thing rhyme, My husband said he would pick up the roll up's. While John was shoveling Charlie's dad's driveway Charlie came in off the bus and asked if he could get two roll ups too. I said sure, but you have to shovel the other half of your dads driveway though... No problem. In 45 minutes the driveways were shoveled completely and it only cost me 2 extra fruit roll ups at about 10 cents each WOW.. And it cost my husband a quick stop at the market.
Just then the SOCIAL WORKER called... wow I forgot two days are up.. The worker hadn't found another home yet and was wondering how it was going or if she would have to put him in the shelter. I told her it was going great, but not so great, he was great with the kids!! She reminded me he did good with other children, always had, it was the grown up part that burned out in the last 2 foster placements. His first only lasted TWO DAYS. The other foster mom did not want John back. I told the worker that my neighbor boy is also 6 and that John and he didn't fight. Apparently it was the sharing the room thing we thought. It would match with his lifestyle he lived with in the past. I told her he had pretty rough language and I wouldn't get good looks AT ALL when he would swear a sentence in church if he DARED, and I didn't know how this would affect me. She asked if we would take him another TWO DAYS until she found another placement. The Social worker added that the last two days we would get paid his DOC and payment rate which was $65 a day. HOLY MOLEY! I told her thank you it was very much worth all the SPIT SHAKES, and oooh I have a saliva thing I don't like. I told her I was confused. Why would a fight between two little kids break this kid up from his little brother. Especially with this fist full of price tag. The worker said they are a hard match, the brother had a lung condition and well John IS GRUFF, it's a hard fit. The other foster mom had just had the training for medical needs kids when they showed up and was interested more in the baby than John, things got more and more difficult and the county started paying for the foster parents to have two weekends off a month from John. The little brother's rate was at $85 a day, probably worth it too and ultimately the two should be placed together and kept together, but they might have to look into placing them separate now. WOW how sad.
My husband and Bill, Charlie's Dad, car pool. (They car pool because they worked together for 3 years, that's how we moved in next to them, they told us about a vacant lot next to their house Charlie played in that never sold). Anyways, all Bill would talk about on their car pool ride home and also when picking up FRUIT ROLL UPS was how much fun Charlie was having with John the night before, and it was all Charlie would talk about. My husband and Bill were liking John more than me. My husband and Bill picked up the roll ups before coming home, they were amazed that both driveways and sidewalks were shoveled. WOW WOW WOW. John got his green fruit roll up and was in heaven that night. We sat down with John who was all grins still and asked him about the two days and that they were up and how he was feeling about the stay so far. John got up, ran to his bedroom closet and started balling and crying. My husband went down to figure it out, 1 1/2 hours later. Apparently John thought we were going to kick him out for swearing. My husband said that if it was OK with John we would tell the worker we would like to take another TWO DAYS and that we were very happy with him the last two days. John was very sad without his real brother and Charlie was kind of filling in for his little brother. But he was mystified that we actually liked him. He eventually came out of his closet, which we later learned that he had been locked in a closet for much of his toddler hood and that he and his baby brother were found in a closet when they were taken into custody. I guess the closet in a way was his home where he was safe and warm. We talked until late. There was a later bedtime that night. Lucky for us my little girl goes to bed early. We had to do the spit shake for two more days to reassure him we would wait the FULL two days. The next night My husband and I talked and thought if they couldn't find a home John liked we would SPIT SHAKE with John and see if we could have him live with us long term, we'd have to ask the worker. Friday morning I called the worker early to let her know our idea. At first she thought we were dumping him, I remember her long sigh when I told her no that we were thinking about taking him on full time if we could please. I never heard a happier social worker in all my life. After a few minutes of hearing her joy. we talked a long time. I asked about John's brother and what kind of needs he really had.... Eight years later after John, I learned I could have done John's brother but at the time I was too unsure of myself and the medical things. John's brother needed a tracheal tube because he had gotten Pneumonia and had problems breathing at night. He was an easy baby but needed to see the doctor once a week and kept a close eye on. Later I found this means, take a temperature 4 times a day, if a fever give Tylenol every 4 hours. Hook a tube onto the baby's throat at night and clean it with an alcohol pad, when done, take the tube off in the day, if his breathing is heavy put the tube back on. Go to the doctor and get a check up once a week, during the day his brother was a regular baby who was now going to be a year old toddler like my daughter who would soon be two.
That night John was very happy. Two months later we had born our baby, an easy baby boy. The week after our sons birth our neighbors found a new daycare opening four houses down from ours so Charlie and John could play after school together and on the weekend. We put the boys into karate together. It was very very good for John. Four months later John's brother was off his trach tube and was a normal toddler, well except for the previous neglect issues. The toddler was too bonded to the foster parents for another move but at least the two boys did visit each other now. We should have taken his brother, in my heart I knew we should have but I was worried about the medical stuff. I did fine with 4 kids when we babysat the neighbors with our two and I later found the trach stuff easy, which is now my night job 10 years later. The great news is that a year and a half later, John's dad was FOUND!!!! And in a good position to care for his two sons and was wondering for sometime how to find his kids. He didn't even know if he had sons or a daughter and a son. The mother was no help what so ever in finding John's Dad. She knew all along where John was and where Dad was. Things were better for dad and he got custody. John lived with us for the year and a half and was in the same class as Michael in school they rode the bus together and WE had NEVER worried about money after we got John it was about $2,000 a month which was NOT taxable income which turned out to be the exact amount of my paycheck that WAS taxable, John was well worth much less in our hearts, even with the $1.00 a box a day fruit roll ups we dolled out for chores. But we didn't need to pay for daycare or take in daycare we just had John. Financially we could have gone to DISNEY WORLD if we would have taken his brother in, his brother's rate was $85. a day that's $2,500 extra. Together they were $4,500 a month. Man we haven't had a higher payment since. IT WAS GOOD FOR BOTH OF US. We would have adopted John and his brother if his father wouldn't have worked out, I guess that's why we have been open to adoption and an adoption subsidy.
Well that is how we first got into foster care and having a large family. We have had over 138 different children in our home. Some were returned to us three or four times during this time. We went from a license of 1 part time child to 8 full time therapeutic children. We learned quickly about the joys of a large family, and the difficulties. What I learned most I learned from John. A year later our social worker recommended for us to move up to the Therapeutic level and we did. This means financially any child coming in would be a minimum of $30 a day. Even if they were easier ones, we got the higher rate. If they are more difficult than the $30 DOC rate we got the higher price, like we did with John. We later met the other family that John had those other TWO DAYS, they also where professional Therapeutic foster parents. He got MOVED out for a fight with another kid who was in his room touching his prized possessions. A Teddy his dad had given him before dad left out of town, a baby bottle he fed his brother with, and an old rug that he cuddled up under when he was locked in the closet. Sad but true. The other family usually did teenagers and there was a lot of razzing from the older kids about John's teddy and thought he would be better off in a different home. And he did, kind of, until again his possessions, the only bit of himself and family he had left were tampered with. I got to hold the teddy, but was never able to get John to let me hold the bottle or the rug. I guess the Bear stood for love and the rug and bottle where his survival. The closet was his home and hideout. Love is shared but never survival, that's better left alone. I never saw John again, Someday maybe I will. We moved and were licensed in another county a BAD county, it lasted 9 months then we found a professional foster program state wide. They come from all over the state now, some kids are not a good fit and we have to turn them away unfortunately. But it isn't too long before we have another good fit. Sometimes there are gaps in our finances because there are no good fits, which are harder to find now due to the fact that we now have 4 biological children.

(The children's names were changed to protect their privacy-Merlin-)

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